How to raise girls
NIGEL LATTA: ‘frequently there is no right thing to say – because they’re going to get upset – so don’t worry about that.’
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Whether she is a princess or a demon, it can be a daunting task for a father to know how to raise his daughter, Christchurch-based clinical psychologist Nigel Latta says.
In order to help men who might feel out of their depth, Latta has this week released a book called Fathers Raising Daughters.
Part of the reason for writing the book was because it was becoming more and more common for fathers to have sole responsibility for their children.
“It used to be that if mum and dad separated that mum would get the children, but now increasingly there are more dads who are raising daughters by themselves,” he told NZPA.
Latta’s advice was also aimed towards dads who were still with their wives, but thought the raising of girls should be left to the mothers.
“Girls need quite a bit of dad stuff as well.”
The book looks at raising daughters from babies through to adulthood and tackles tricky issues such as puberty.
“Stuff like menstruation and periods – it’s quite hard for dads to talk about that sort of stuff with their daughters. So if they’ve got a technical understanding of it…then it’s easier to talk about.”
Latta also pointed out it was a good idea for fathers to have a close relationship with their daughters because it had been proved that men who play a positive role in their daughters’ lives can slow down the puberty process.
“There’s still lots of discussions as to why that might be but when you think about it, it kind of makes sense.
“Because if dad is part of your life, and he’s a good father, then that would suggest things are more stable and secure.
“And you don’t have the same kind of stress stuff going on that you might have if your dad isn’t part of your life, or you have a crap dad.”
There seemed to be a link between emotions and physiology, he said.
Sons and daughters were not so different to raise, he said.
“I think the biggest difference for dads is that dads feel more out of their depth with girls. I think that fundamentally boys and girls are much more similar than different – and there’s lots of good research that says that now too,” Latta said.
The psychologist has spent his career studying families and criminals, and said there was a great deal of cross-over when looking at each group.
“I’ve always worked with really difficult kids and I’ve worked with lots of families. They’re lovely families, they’ve just got daughters who go completely la la and start doing stuff in their adolescence that is alarming.”
But Latta said the good news for parents was most daughters who had gone off the rails would come right in the end.
“The numbers say only one in 100 girls who are committing criminal offences in adolescence will continue. Which means 99 percent of girls who are committing crimes will stop.”
The biggest piece of advice Latta wanted men to take from his book was to not be afraid to be part of their daughters’ lives.
“(Don’t) retreat to the garden shed just because their daughters are confusing and a bit scary.
“Don’t waste too much time and energy worrying about what the right thing to say is because frequently there is no right thing to say – because they’re going to get upset – so don’t worry about that.
“If you worry about the right thing to say, then you won’t say anything.”
Fathers who involved their daughters in their lives were on the right track, Latta said.
“And that doesn’t mean you have to be a girl either – you don’t have to do all this girly stuff or pretend to be a mum. For some girls, some of their most cherished memories might be sitting halfway up a mountain gutting a bear, because you’ve taken them hunting one day.”
